


I Am Weightless.

by Raechyy (orphan_account)



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-18
Updated: 2016-09-18
Packaged: 2018-08-15 19:30:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8069878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Raechyy
Summary: Original Content work. Loosely based on a relationship I have with a friend/fuckboy. Dabbles with suicide, heartbreak, mental health issues, complicated relationships. We've all been on the brink. If you're feeling shitty about someone that broke your heart, read this, cry it out, then fucking live. For yourself. Love yourself first. <3 PS Look for a song called "Way Up High", on Youtube. Listen to it on repeat as you read. You'll get where my head was. Sometimes words are a powerful release.





	

I don't know how long it has been since I felt nothingness like this.  
Outside, I feel everything – the sun embraces my skin, gently, as a lover would. The gentle warm breeze caresses my bare arms and idly breezes through my long tulle skirt. The sharp sting of tears in my eyes, tumbling hotly down my face. The rustling of the tall grass swaying, each blade whispering over my hands as I focus on watching my fingers dance across them. The ocean calling it's beautiful tranquil song as the waves gently lap at the shoreline.   
I've never felt the world so much in that moment, and yet felt nothingness like it.  
It's a strange juxtaposition.

I am standing in what might be the most perfect moment in my life. I have watched the sun come up like it is my last, beautiful pinks, purples, oranges and reds in every hue delicately washing over the dawn sky before the sun appears over the water, suddenly bursting the world into life. It is a spectacle I am honoured to have to myself, the world not yet awake to share it with me. The sky is a perfect blue, and not a single wisp of cloud peppers it. It is a perfect clear morning in the summer. Mother Nature herself has given me a most glorious gift, allowing me this utterly phenomenal spectacle and allowing me the privilige of having it to myself, almost a consolation to my heavy heart that some things in the world can be beautiful, despite my feelings that everything is broken. There is not a soul around. 

Now, able to see the shoreline clearly in the beautiful morning sun, I am wandering through the tallest beach grass, it reaches almost to my hips. There is sand under my toes. Only in this moment of feeling the sand do I realise I am barefoot. And then I realise the tears have made their way down my front, dipping down my collarobones and into the swell of my chest. I wipe them away but they don't stop falling. So I let them. There is no one here to question my all-encompassing grief, to ask me what is wrong and then gaze at my bloodshot eyes, perplexed, as I say, "nothing." 

I'm walking atop a great tall cliff, which has given me a brilliant view of the beach. There are barriers up, but my long legs scale it with ease. The cold, rusted metal jars me out of the reverie I am in, and for but a second I stop, and think about where I am. 

But I keep going. This is my final journey, and there is nothing for me here. 

My feet touch down on more sand, but it is thinning now, and I feel the shattered cliff more with every step I take. If you take out my heart from my chest, this is what you would see, a heart shattered and jagged, scarred from a life of loving too much and not being loved in return.

I'm thinking of your face now. Your shaggy brown hair and round blue eyes, full of mischief. A soft smile that belied a hard exterior. As I think of you, the tears fall afresh, and the pain of your betrayal winds me, dropping me to my knees on the clifftop. I think of ten years of hurt at your fingertips, as you watched me dance to the sound of your tune. As I helped build you up to the great position you are in now, remembering how raw the hurt was when it finally hit home you were taking the very life from me to build you up. Years of conversations at beaches just like this, telling you how special you were and how much you deserved the world, and genuinely meaning it. Remembering all the girls who used you as you used them like objects, and having your calls in the middle of the night because you needed a shoulder to cry on. And how much it hurt when, looking back on all these conversations, I realised that ten years of our broken little relationship had never nutured my feelings, wants and needs, only yours. 

I remember the first time we held hands. You took your hand in mine and we were running somewhere. I can't remember where, all I remember is your beautiful face, how much my heart burst anew as you cracked first into a wide smile, and then a laugh. We just kept running and laughing, hand in hand. And then we stopped and you gently placed a kiss on my flushed cheek, whispering how special I was. That was ten years ago. The moment was short-lived, the next week you were with my best friend. And I was happy seeing you happy, and there to dust you off ready for your next throwaway girl, when you and the "best friend" went south.

We made love later that year, for the first time, and I remember it more clearly than anything in the world. 

We were on a beach, again. I was drunk on 2 bottles of wine. It was dark, save for the fire we had lit. And warm. There was just us, and we were talking. Conversation was always easy with us. In my drink addled state, I was throwing waste on the fire, watching them crackle and burst into light. I threw something on the fire, and the flame exploded. You grabbed me away into a hidden dip by the cliff face and we fell into the sand. I was giggling hysterically, you were telling me off. Seeing your stern face made me laugh harder. 

And then suddenly, you were atop me. Your hand had grabbed a handful of my bright red hair, the other sliding my skirt up my thigh. Your legs nestled easily between mine. My hands were on your chest. Your teeth were nibbling gently on my neck, and you whispered in my ear:

_You are mine._

I couldn't argue there; I was.

Illuminated only by the flickering fire some twenty or so feet away, you took me there, not gently but hard and passionate. I'll give you one thing – you were good at what you were doing. 

_Who owns you? Your voice was low in my ear, panting._

I gasped out your name. You liked that; nodded in assent.

_Good girl._

And for the next ten years, I was yours. At your every beck and call. I was the moth, and you were the flame, and every time you hurt me, I would flutter away, but then you would draw me back. And every time, there was a little less of me than before. Every time you ran hot and cold, every time you came to my door at night, promising me the world when you needed me, because you knew when you looked at me with those big blue eyes, that my resolve would crumble. You took and took and took until I was but a shell of what I was before. My elastic heart was stretched a little more every time.

Today, it snapped.

Facebook, 11pm. Me, idly browsing.

"Rebecca Hetherington added 20 new photos."

_Had so much fun at Kiera and Dominic's wedding!_

And there you were, in a tux, giving another woman the world you had been promising me. 

My heart dropped from my chest, shattering in a million pieces on the floor. Ten years, I had loved you, cherished you, cared for you. Been your shoulder to cry on, your greatest champion, your lover, your best friend. Ten years, the very mention of your name made my soul smile. Ten years, and all I was to you, was a booty call.

The girl is smiling, blissfully unaware. I knew her... we had gone to University together. She was prettier than me. Skinnier than me. From a wealthier family than me. She was a good choice. 

But that didn't make it hurt any less. 

I don't remember how I got to the beach, but it was still pitch black. I don't know how long I sat by the cold beachfront, watching the moon bounce off the waves as they languidly rolled into the sand. All that mattered now was this moment. 

I felt nothing; I was nothing.

Mother Nature is smiling at me, beckoning me toward the water. The world appears in slow motion, my thudding heartbeat matching the lulling of the waves. My feet take delicate steps in front of me. Suddenly, my toes are curling over the cliff face. I am looking at the delicate waves below, stroking the cliff face. I can hear them whispering for me. And suddenly, there is nothing but peace for me. 

I hear shouting. I turn, step away from the cliff edge. You are there. How do you know I am here? You're running towards me, but it seems to be taking forever. My mind briefly flickers over a message. Had I sent you it? I must have.

_Dominic,_

_I am glad you are happy. I am hurt that you used me for all this time. I've been nothing but another toy for you when your now wife is away._

_I thought, when I met you, that all those cheesy books and films I scoffed at, might hold a simple truth – we all have a perfect someone, and you were mine._

_How wrong I was._

_But I should thank you. You have taught me a valuable lesson of my worth. You have also taught me that I am clearly delusional, a poor judge of character, and nothing more important than a plaything for you._

_This is the last time you will hear from me._

_Try not to break her like you have broken me._

 

My mind comes back to reality. You are over the barrier now, a hand reaching for mine. I briefly debate taking it. 

"Elizabeth. What are you doing?" your voice is clear. 

"How did you know I'd be here?" I ask. You step towards me, and I take a step back, towards the cliff. You stop.

"El, you've been coming here when you're sad for as long as I've known you. This is our beach, remember?" I bristle at the implication of your words – that we shared something special, when we clearly did not.

"Nothing is ours, Dominic. You made quite certain of that." 

"Please, come away from the edge, El." Your tone is soft, and pleading. For the first time, I hear real emotion in your voice. Mine is flat as I reply.

"You know, Dominic, in all the ten years I have known you, I have seen only what makes you perfect. But now, I am seeing with new clarity. This whole time I thought you were too good for me, but now I know I was too good for you. 

You're married, Dominic. That didn't happen overnight. How many nights were you with her after you had been with me?" 

I look directly at you. You don't look back. My smile is emotionless, empty, not reaching my eyes.

"Just as I thought."

I turn away from you there, back towards the cliff. You're approaching, slowly. I let you. You put your hands around me, and for the briefest moment, I forget everything. But the moment is brief. Something is gone. I find no comfort in your touch any more. You are a stranger to me in a familiar face. That realization hurts more than anything else. 

"Let's go back to your place, and talk," you whisper in my ear. You take my hand and break my view of the ocean. 

We walk back towards the barrier. You climb over first, hold your hand out to me to help me back over. I notice the barrier between us. I realise that is the sad truth. There is a barrier between me and life. A life I was happy with. Here on the cliff face, looking down at the water, I had never been more at peace. I belong here. For the first time since you got here, we make real eye contact. Standing so close, yet so far apart, an impasse between us after all of the hurt.

It had to be now. I give you an envelope that I had planned to leave on the clifftop.

"Give this to my mum and dad. Blaming themselves will only hurt them," I ask. You take the envelope from my hands. A look of confusion plasters itself over your features. As I turn back towards the cliff, I see in my peripheral vision, the confusion in your eyes quickly turns to fear. I am already running towards the cliff face when you start to climb back over.

Time is moving slowly. More slowly than it has ever moved. The sand crunches under my feet and the cliff face gives me grip. I can hear my heartbeat, like the waves of the ocean. You are screaming my name. It is drowned out by the sound of the ocean. The pit of sadness that had always weighed heavily in my stomach is gone, for the first time in my adult life. Years of feeling worthless. Years of feeling like a failure. Years of feeling second best at everything. Years of not living up to my potential. Years of finding comfort in the bottom of a bottle. Years of not feeling right, all gone in this very moment as the ocean sings to me. The fear dissipates the closer I get, until there is no more cliff, just the sparkle of clear blue.

I am light as air, as my feet leave the cliff face. I am a phoenix rising from the ashes. I am soaring into the unknown, peaceful at my own fate. My arms are outstretched as I soar towards the ocean. I close my eyes. 

The world is black.  
I am weightless.

I am free.


End file.
